In my last post, I shared the news that I’m no longer deemed “terminal” by the medical community. To remind anyone who isn’t aware, the medical definition of “terminal” isn’t really the same as what “gen pop” may think. It simply means that your condition still has treatment options and said condition isn’t completely troubling to medically trained folks. There is certainly assurance in that but I’m still way more likely to die sooner than most reading this and still have an assortment of physical/cognitive deficits.
Still, almost immediately, I heard from an assortment of people who took the news to mean that I was all through with this cancer stuff and could finally get back to life as normal. It’s good news for sure, but it’s kinda like getting through the first step of a 12-point plan.
At first, I was troubled by my reclassification and wrote it about it at the time. While certainly more positive than negative, it’s a shift in how I think of myself that is troubling in odd ways.
One of the biggest motivations I used prior to this news was my status. Do and say things now, because the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter in a much more realistic way then saying something like “we could all get hit by a bus tomorrow”.
I still feel drawn to do whatever I can while I can, but it does feel less urgent. Case in point: I haven’t posted anything in more than two weeks (almost three actually) when I previously had been consistent with once a week. There are reasons for this beyond my existential crisis, but it certainly was a part of it.
Who Am I If I Am Not Terminal?
The song above is one that George Harrison wrote while still very much in The Beatles, yet it was rejected as not being up to snuff. Interestingly, this song about reincarnation and living life more fully, would be a stand-out on the “All Things Must Pass” album that Harrison released following the end of The Beatles. It was a monster success and featured a great many songs that had also been rejected— most of which would become #1 hits around the world for extended periods of time. One song, “My Sweet Lord” would even have sports fans unknowingly sing Hindu chants about abandoning all fixed notions of religion at baseball games and whatnot. Kinda weird to think about.
My point in sharing that is to show that in re-inventing himself (really more like continuing to grow as a person), the Quiet Beatle© accomplished something pretty special.
Like me, George used the concept of death to motivate himself to live a fuller, better life. Not just as a musician and songwriter, but as a philanthropist (look up the Concert for Bangladesh among other things) and as someone just looking to bring joy into the world (funding the making of early Monty Python movies when no one else would).
While he did eventually die to a mix of cancers at the age of 58, he didn’t feel the same urgency I had been feeling up to recently. He just felt compelled to live life differently. As I look forward now, maybe a little further than I had just weeks before, I am daring to add in “it’s just the right thing to do” to my list of motivations. I don’t know how it will work for me long term, but it did get me to do a few things when I would’ve rather just stayed in bed. So that’s cool.
How to Keep the Momentum Going
That’s where the reality of life with cancer comes in. No matter how well I may be doing, it’s still fact that several cancer friends of mine have taken turns for the worst recently. The guilt that I’m seemingly doing well while they are dying and taking on an array of new treatments looms large for me. I know I should celebrate my own victories but I can’t help but feel like something’s wrong about it.
So not wanting to make it about myself, and make it more about US AS A COMMUNITY, I choose to use the knowledge that so many are not doing so well to keep me going beyond the early, super-psyched up motivational stage.
Doing what I can while I can still helps me to escape the guilt, but instead of thinking mostly about my own psychological needs, I’m really trying to include even more so the idea that I need to doing it for those that no longer can more than I have before.
Again, the idea that using something negative (in this case: guilt) can be a positive. So fuck all that #toxicpositivity out there that tells you to ignore certain emotions. That’s over-simplistic thinking in my opinion. #allvibeswelcome here.
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fd13f8664-7d26-4e98-b136-4f1428073de0.heic)
I don’t know how much of a difference participating in the Head to the Hill event at the start of May really makes, but the point is that it’s something. I’m not always feeling up to doing much of anything but meeting with various Congressfølken, their staffers, and so many other people dealing with the same sorts of things as me feels like it’s forward movement for all of us. I may not always be capable of even the simplest of actions and many certainly no longer can so whom am I not to put up with the annoyances of leaving home for a couple days?
Now if I can just finish this rock opera. Three of the contributors have already passed away. I can’t fail them by not taking it all the way. Soon… I promise… soon! If I can just stay motivated now that I’m all good. *wink*
When I read this part, "So not wanting to make it about myself, and make it more about US AS A COMMUNITY", I read it as a "U S A!!!! U S A!!!" chant. I just thought you should know that went through my mind.
You got this, man.
I'm really digging the "If I Could" track by the way. The bass line is sweet!