Between Two Toxicities
Call it radical acceptance, stoicism, or cynicism, I'm not fully sure what any of it means in a modern sense. Fortunately, I don't think most others do either. I recommend just using whatever works.
Before we get going with this post (me writing, you reading), I feel the need to share that these thoughts aren’t quite formulated in my mind and this one might be all over the place. Or not. Let’s find out together!
When it comes to vibes, most are aware that they come in several varieties… with good and bad being the two biggies.
And if you believe it’s best to go all in towards either of those directions, that’s cool. You do whatever works for you. It’s just not for me. And I don’t think I’m alone. That stated, I definitely tend to veer more towards positivity than the other one, but I tend to be down with all sorts of vibes. Especially from the world of jazz.
But back to what most are probably thinking about when it comes to “vibes”.
Most people are likely now aware of the concept of toxic positivity thanks to its use in various social media trends and other things that my very logical father called “psychobabble”. In case, you are unaware, it’s the thought too much (or misguided) positivity can be detrimental to one’s mental health.
I don’t know if I fully believe that, but I do think an abundance of positivity is pretty annoying and aggravating. Mostly because I feel like accepting and living with our problems are the best ways to lessen them.
Maybe the folks who are accused of toxic positivity (those who suggest to always view everything in the most “blessed” way possible and embrace such thought processes) are correct that it’s helpful to put our heads in the sand and suppress negative emotions in order to avoid poisoning our “vibe”.
But maybe the folks who are accused of toxic negativity are correct. Or maybe both are correct. I. mean, I’ve met several folks with terrible illnesses who have done all the wrong things and done well so maybe we’re all just pissing in the wind trying to figure out our philosophies on better living.
Still, this is the stuff I increasingly think about. My father was a philosophy professor and this is one area where I wish he was still around for me to finally have some meaningful dialogue with. But then he also tend to be very earth and worms in his attitudes so it might just bum out my more spiritual and existential tendencies.
Ultimately, I believe nothing means anything. But I also believe everything means more than to which it appears.
So here we are.
like “mindfulness”, I don’t think “vibes” is too vague for what is being postulated and thus why certain terms get co-opted by well-meaning new age folks who are looking to give folks tools for better living. But the more I learn about these various philosophies, the less I understand them— though I believe those who are speaking the loudest about them tend to not understand them very well.
I prefere “upbeat but realistic” to “positive”. It just feels less vague and misleading. It describes me but doesn’t try to fit me into any specific pattern of behavior.
A friend of mine, Adam Hayden of
, got some very confusing news about his cancer. It’s definitely not good news, but it may also not be terrible. While I have taken in so many lessons with how he’s publicly reacted to the situation— which is relatively calm and “it is what it is”— but it’s also been somewhat alarming as I do understand what he’s shared means about his future. And more importantly, he knows just as well as anyone what the future could hold for me. Perhaps privately, he is a mess. I know, that for all the big talk that I give about being comfortable with death, I have found myself to be a tremendous liar on that when faced with disturbing test results. Shit changes when death gets all up in my face. I remain comfortable with dying, but I really don’t want to die so much more. I definitely don’t want to live forever, but I’m not sure how comfortable I will be when the time comes.So what is my point in all this? I warned you at the start that I don’t really know. BUT I do know that none of this anywhere as straightforward as we think.
I do like to end these posts with some sort of helpful advice. Maybe it’s well-meaning but misplaced, but hey… you’re still reading so I’m still writing. So as we enter a new year (2024 for those reading this in the future), here are some philosophical ideas that I pull from to find my way through it all. Maybe learning some more about these might be helpful for you. Or not. Regardless, I don’t personally believe going all in on anything in life, but I do borrow heavily from these— or at least my perception of them. In short, I take what works for me. Even if it’s all bullshit. (click the links for more specific info on each)
Radical Acceptance: Basically, embracing the power to change the things you can and letting go of the things you can’t. That doesn’t mean giving in when you fail. It’s more about not beating yourself up over it as long as you’re sincerely trying. I think.
Stoicism: Stoicism is one of the more popular philosophical ideologies one will see online. But it’s also misrepresented from its origins to fit the realities of a modern world. That’s not a bad thing. I like to focus on the living a meaningful and ethical life than the enduring hardships without complaint part. Cuz what fun would life be if I couldn't complain?
Dialecticism: Most of the philosophies on this mini list fit well with the confines of this one— which is basically the acceptance of contradictory experiences and changes. Like how I am both moved and shocked by Adam Hayden’s response to his medical news. We can and should probably feel multiple ways in response to change… because things will always change. Like it says in the Bible “This too shall pass.” To really dive deeper into the world of Diabetic Behavioral Therapy (DBT).
Cynicism: Like stoicism, cynicism is one of the things people assume a ton about, but are kinda wrong about. It’s really not a negative thing— though the belief that all people are terrible is at its core. But in recognizing that, it becomes easier to find fulfillment within your own life by questioning the validity of everything. Not dismissing everything as many assume, but thoughtfully exploring whether something is truly good or bad. Or, more likely, somewhere in between.
Nihilism: As much as I don’t like to admit it, this is the philosophy that I most align myself with. I don’t want to believe that life is meaningless, but I kinda do. And that’s ok. That being ok with the random chaos of life is nihilism. Not everything has meaning and, in fact, most things don’t.
That’s it for this week’s random thoughts from That Cancer Life. I have a feeling I’ll be much less metaphysical in future posts, but this is where I’m at right now and felt like I had to verbally vomit these ideas out. Hopefully, I didn’t make too much of a mess for you.
Happy new year!
I think I was a little too cynical earlier in life, but you're right: it keeps you from being disappointed. But that armor is heavy, too.
These days, stoicism and radical acceptance have helped me navigate the world as it is, not as I want it to be. A few lessons from Buddhism and Abrahamic religions slides in there too, rounding out the idea that I can't control everything, but the things I can control, I should try to influence in some positive way.
Basically, I am the Serenity Prayer writ large, but agnostic/atheistic. Weird spot to be in!