Cancer: How to Succeed in Life Without Really Trying

Just in case any authorities are reading this, please note this post is parody/satire. Please don't mess with my SSDI! ...Please? Just read to the end and you'll understand what I mean.

I used to be a chump just like you, but then I got wise and turned my fortunes around! I would work 50-60 hours a week.

Now? Retired at age 49.* I’ve even got the one luxury I’ve always wanted for myself: a personal driver!**

And I know of MANY others who’ve made the same transition—SOME AS YOUNG AS 16!***

What’s more, our dream lives could be yours if you’re willing to make ONE SINGLE CHANGE.

But before I reveal the secret to our success, you need to learn more about just a few of the benefits:

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU COULD FIND DEEPER MEANING IN LIFE?

• Truly live as if everyday could be your last.

• Find more value from your friendships.****

• Be motivated to finally go after the dreams that really matter to you and spend your time only doing things you love.*****

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COMPLETELY REINVENT YOURSELF AS SOMEONE NEW AND SPECIAL?

• Be able to share your newfound expert knowledge of highly technical aspects of science and medicine at parties, and on social media.

• Impress people with your willingness to share even the most personal and disgusting parts of your life with… well… just about anyone!******

• Develop an aura of mystery simply by being alive. *******

Do you want to be applauded for running a 5k?

Do you want to instantly win every argument with your romantic partner?********

You might even get a charitable organization named after you! How’s that for a legacy?*********

ALL IT TAKES IS ONE SIMPLE CHANGE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN FOR YOU!

But before I reveal this amazing secret, I need to tell you that THERE’S NO UPFRONT COST. Sure… there are some lingering expenses down the road, but you’ll possibly be getting fat monetary payments EVERY MONTH from a government program THEY don’t want you to know about.**********

But maybe I’ve said too much.

If you want in on a completely new outlook on life***********, this opportunity is limited only to those who are truly dedicated to making a difference… while enjoying all of life’s splendors.************

How would YOU like membership in an elite group of humans?*************

But before I continue, I feel the need to share this:

While both Ferris Bueller and Harry Potter have played the lead role, my personal favorite is Bertram Cooper (Don Draper’s boss).

And by now, you’ve probably figured out, this post is *perhaps* a little tongue-in-cheek.

* and by retired, I mean I was so fatigued, off-balance, and cognitively unable to multitask that I went on disability

** I am no longer allowed to drive due to seizure risk and getting easily confused in busy environments. Also by “driver”, I mean whoever I can convince to give me a ride or taxi/ride-sharing service.

*** The kids and teens who are fortunate enough to survive often are left with impairments that prevent them from making a living. And they haven’t paid enough into the system to qualify for much of any SSDI assistance.

**** This is because much of your social structure will disappear, so you really appreciate those who stick around and the new faces that enter your life.

***** Because you might die any day now so what the fuck else are you gonna do? Also you will have to take breaks for assorted scans, blood tests, surgeries, treatments, and doctor appointments.

****** Many people will wonder why you never shut the fuck up about cancer and really don’t want to hear about how you “manually fixed” your constipation issue.

******* By “mystery”, I mean people will wonder why you’re not dead yet or even if you’re lying about your diagnosis.

******** You can really only pull the “but I have cancer” card in arguments for the first few months

********* One usually has to die before getting an organization named after them.

**********The program is SSDI aka Disability and it' isn’t that secret, but it can take some time to qualify and be easy to lose for a myriad of reasons… including simply living too long.

***********Because you’re all too aware of your own mortality.

************It can happen to just about anyone for any reason, including just bad luck.

*************Again, it can happen to just about anyone and there’s nothing special about it.

But in all seriousness, I do have a point in all this. And it’s one that I hope anyone can apply to their lives whether they have cancer or not. To set up the end of this post and what I really want readers to take away, here’s J. Pierpont Finch again with his final musical number.

My point is that life is an illusion. It’s all a matter of perspective. It’s in the eye of the beholder and blah blah blah.

You know what I mean. Don’t believe what you think you see. And more importantly, don’t let it make you treat anyone differently. As I’ve stated before on this Substack, everyone has their own shit to deal with. We are all just trying to put our best feet forward in how we present ourselves to the world.

If someone with cancer is still alive when the statistics say they should be dead, don’t get suspicious of whether or not they’re actually sick. Just be happy for them.

If someone can’t work a full time job but can somehow be able to make it to the gym regularly, know that the gym time is likely more a celebration of what thy can still do and a desire to keep going than anything nefarious.

As I’ve written about before, there are some not-so-cool humans who pretend to have some terrible condition for monetary gain, but that really is a rarity compared to the massive amount of folks who would rather have you think that they are doing better than they really are or just making use of what hasn’t been stolen from them.

Before she died, my good friend Ilene Kaminsky came under attack by some in her family as all sorts of terrible simply because she “claimed” to have terminal breast cancer ( #stage4needsmore ) but hadn’t died after six years— and seemed to be able to do all sorts of things. She wasn’t too public (though not secretive) about her very regular abdominal drains, medical treatments, chronic pain/fatigue, or the impact cancer had on her marriage. Instead, she instead chose to relish in her love of poetry, vintage clothes, and joke-arguing with me about music she loved. I guess she proved her relatives wrong by eventually dying.

I’m not really sure how to end this post or if what motivated it is that clear, but I felt like it had to be put out there. As you could’ve told from my last post, I’ve been thinking a ton about how I present myself publicly. Part of me wants to go all super happy and positive. Ya know, pretend like I don’t have a terrible disease as to not mislead people Part of me wants to go all gloomy so no one gets confused that I’m still not a beacon of health- nor is anyone else with cancer. But the truth of who I am is somewhere in between. But more on that next time.

Thank you for reading Rudy’s That Cancer Life Substack. This post is public so feel free to share it.