Managing the Burden of Joy

Another day, another cancer friend is dead. That’s actually two in the last week. Sure, I could avoid people with cancer altogether if I want to avoid bummer news that sends me into yet another emotional and existential crisis, but honestly cancerfølken just “get it” better than anyone else. It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t type thing.

But that’s not what this post is about. What I write may come across as a bit wallowy to some in sections but it’s really more about being honest with myself. And I think it’ll be very helpful to a great many reading this who have little to no connection to cancer. Obviously, I’ll get more into the specifics later in this post. I mean, that’s the whole point of this thing, right?

Let me just start with how it all started. A couple days ago, I was spending time scrolling through my various social media feeds looking at silly animal videos and getting mad at people who believe things contrary to my worldview. Then I came across this on Threads:

My first reaction was “oh whatever, you new-agey self-care psychobabble influencer” and started scrolling on.

Then I started thinking about how something made it different. Things started to get intense for me… and soon I was crying.

Like ugly crying.

I screen-shotted the post and looked at it a few more times over the next day. Each time I looked at it, I started crying.

As someone who has always struggled with happiness (ie mild depression), I wondered if this was just me so I shared it with a few people I know. Granted it was only three people, but each time I shared it, I started crying again. And each person reacted the same way. Like it was a revelation.

EDIT: I’ve since shared it with a 4th person whose reaction was trickier to read, but I still feel like it touched a nerve of some sort

I have no idea of the origins and frequency of use for this statement, but it’s new to me and I can’t stop thinking about it. If you’re not getting what the big deal is, then consider yourself to be lucky. But I’m also wondering how much actual self-care you’ve done. As my good friend Peter once joked, “there’s two types of people in the world. Those who have some level of depression and anxiety. And then there are those who are fucking liars.”

Yes, it’s a joke, so don’t get your undies in a bunch. But it’s also kind of true. Some folks manage things better than others, but we all have our own shit to deal with… IF we’re being honest with ourselves.

Unfortunately, I do not believe most people do their fair share of “self honesty” IE introspection and holding oneself accountable.

That’s not you, though, is it?

Alright, I’m not looking to shame, I’m looking to motivate… so back to the point.

What hit me so hard about the post is its shifting in perspective on how I do my own version of “self-care” and how I strive to make myself a better person in the big ways. It made me realize that I may be going about things wrong. Or in the least, not doing things in an efficient way.

I mean, I feel like I do a good job in managing the shit storm that is my mind. But, how good am I at being happy?

I’ve got things like laughing at funny jokes or feeling pride over a child’s recital down pretty well, but I consider those things more temporary than what I would call “true joy” which is more about prolonged fulfillment over several weeks and months. Like can I deeply appreciate the direction of my life and the lives around me and just be happy?

I can’t help but think of De La Soul’s Trugoy each time I type the phrase “true joy” and that’s kinda cool.

Honestly? Not really. I can understand it conceptually but I rarely feel it for more than a moment here and there. Doing things I do with my family or in the patient advocacy register as healthy things in my mind and I am motivated to continue doing them on every level I’m able. But is there a part of the living process that I am missing out on that could lead to me (and those with me) getting even more out of these experiences?

Think about it. I wrote an entire series of recent posts about how I couldn’t fully handle getting good news at a recent neuro oncology appointment. I felt lost after my early critical phase treatments (chemo, radiation) were largely over and doctors stopped paying so much attention to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t entirely agree with the Threads post in that I do think healing is in at least part to better manage all the bad stuff, but it’s important not to forget the good stuff, too.

Managing pain and hurt is important, and doing that is something that has become somewhat of a natural response to me after dealing with some serious stuff over and over. But has it come at the cost of allowing myself to be happy? FACT: I’ve done a bad job at managing joy. Not to be “positive” in some pithy way. In some deeper way where I don’t need to always remind myself of the upside of any given situation. Allowing myself to smile at good news, even if it isn’t great. Not letting my emotion be impacted inversely by the overblown reactions of those who don’t fully understand the nuances of a situation.

I’m so used to being attacked by life that I don’t let my guard down long enough to let more than a momentary smile or laugh in.

That original post I shared is like the most actually helpful version of “just be positive, man” that I can imagine. It infers that work must be done. Accountability must be had. It leaves room for things being a little imperfect and maybe even damaged.

Just like all of us.

Recognizing that isn’t bad, it’s an opportunity to be better at living. Things will never be easier, but that doesn't mean we should always be on the defense.

I guess the next question for me is to figure out is to find the balance between the two. Any suggestions?

How about we listen to a song heavily featuring Trugoy instead?

It’s not a De La Soul song nor even very much in the style of most De La Soul songs, but it helped another group win a grammy. And the entire back half of the song is consumed by Trugoy’s nebulous indictment of herd mentality and false notions of what happiness means. Don’t believe me? There are loads of Reddit threads and music-oriented think pieces about it that go way more into the weeds about it. Search that shit.

And it won a Grammy for someone else. There’s so much beautiful symbolism in that if you really think about it.

It’s “Feel Good Inc.” by Gorillaz.