Not Dying with José Gonzalez

How a Swedish-Brazilian musical artist with punk rock roots and an affinity for Latin American pop music kept me alive through some of the worst moments of my life.

For the last few years, I have made and posted about a dozen videos that were intended to be reviews of various songs from the perspective of a cancer patient. Think the youtube videos like “Black Guy Listens to Led Zeppelin for the First Time and Freaks Out!” that always kind of weird me out because a) most people have heard a Led Zeppelin song at some point and b) OMG! A black person likes something other than hip hop and/or r&b?! (note sarcasm). Come on, people. The folks making those videos are fucking with you and using your inherent bias against you for views. More power to them, I guess, but recognize what’s going on.

Anyway, I was hoping I’d get some views as well by gaming the YouTube search algorithm with folks looking for song videos that, SHOCKINGLY, are much more popular than videos of people talking about cancer. I never had any delusions nor desire to become a massive YouTube star but did hope that I could trick some people into better understanding the cancer experience.

In short, that really didn’t happen. It turns out that the unpopularity of cancer videos is way more powerful than hit songs.

Still, it was fun until the woman I did many of the videos with, Ilene Kaminsky, had to go and die from Stage 4 Breast Cancer. We became very good friends and her death hit me hard so I just couldn’t keep the flame burning though I still have many potential song reviews video recorded and ready to edit.

click this link if you'd like to see the music review videos I've done so far

So that brings everyone to now.

One of the songs I did a solo “review” of- José Gonzalez’s cover of “This is How We Walk on the Moon”- has been playing in my head a ton lately. Here’s the video I made at the time- don’t worry, this post isn’t just a rehash of the video. Especially my cringey dancing (not completely my fault- I have ongoing coordination and balance issues).

Rewatching this video got me thinking about another friend of mine who passed away, Byron King. He had brain cancer like me, although a different variation (he had an Oligodendroglioma and I have an Astrocytoma). One of the many areas we bonded, aside from Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (he started AFTER HIS DIAGNOSIS making it to purple belt and even tapped a black belt in competition despite being partially paralyzed at the time), was music. I introduced him to José Gonzalez and he fell in love as much as I had.

For me, as I was recovering from multiple brain surgeries as well as dealing with chemotherapy and radiation, I had severe sensitivities to loud music and José’s mellow vibe was about as raucous as I could handle at the time.

But it planted a seed of sorts. Even after I was allegedly through the worst of cancer, I used the music to motivate me- by allowing myself to maybe wallow a bit in the sadness so that I could release it - and also to be nudged into moving, albeit slowly, with the strong rhythmic elements expressed in gentle ways.

Here’s another video I did for a José Gonzalez song that illustrates it better. And warning: I do ugly cry in it. Or at least my version of it. Don’t worry, I’m doing much better now and I credit José’s music very much for that.

But that’s not everything when it comes to José and me. The man literally does not have a bad song to my sensibilities. It never gets too mellow as one might expect with an artist who is effectively only playing an acoustic guitar and singing with a quiet voice. Lyrically, many of his words are just vague enough that they can take on personal meaning for just about any listener. The above “Save Your Day” always gets me to do something productive if I’ve been loafing a bit too much on a given day. I don’t believe in “grinding” but I also do not like to accept a complete standstill- there will be more on this specifically in a future post.

I have become so impacted and found so much meaning in his music that I do plan on having one of his songs, along with about eight others by various other artists, played at my memorial service.

And guess what? Here’s a third and final video I did for it. It’s the least cringey of them all, but, in many ways, the least direct in message.

Skip to just shy of three minutes into this video to see what the hell I am talking about.

So yeah, José Gonzalez mean many different things to me without being my all time favorite artist. He seems like a nice guy to boot - and I don’t want to know otherwise- which only raises him in my opinion. The dude even sent me an autographed copy of one of his albums after my wife reached out to his manager. And he even dedicated a song to me- the above “Down the Line” during an online concert he did during the pandemic. Again, it’s no proof that he’s not a stand-up guy, but he’d definitely aces in my book.

And I do have a point in all this, even if his music is not your cup of tea.

I think all of this is proof of the power of music. I am literally supposed to be dead multiple times over. So what has kept me alive? I honestly believe that music triggers something within my soul that keeps me stimulated cognitively, physically, and emotionally.

It is believed by many that sharks will die if they stop moving forward, I believe the forward motion music- especially the music of José Gonzalez- keeps me from completely stopping. Yes, I know the shark thing isn’t entirely true, but just let me believe what I want to about the man. Who is it hurting anyway?

Most sharks will survive if they stop moving though there are some notable exceptions including the Great White, Hammerhead, Mako, and Whale Sharks.

I challenge everyone to find their own José Gonzalez if he’s not for you. It may be a writer, a famous chef, a sports star, or even an actor. Not to be like them, but to be encouraged and find satisfaction in life. Let your José guide you to always move forward- not necessarily move on- but always push forward.

As my friend Molly (fellow Astrocytomaite) always, says: EVER ONWARD.