Oops... I Did It Again!

And that's a-ok. This post is about why it's not good or bad to fall short on goals. The only thing that matters is trying.

Alright… in my last post, I wrote about being absent from Substack for awhile and how I thought I was back to regular posting. I don’t really remember the rest because, honestly, it was awhile ago. Yes, I did exactly what I didn’t think I would do.

But now… I’m back… maybe. Unless I’m not. And I’m ok with that. I’m not gonna beat myself up over it.

Perhaps I’m wrong, but I think it’s also ok with people who have been reading this thing over the last year and some change. I mean, there are a lot of blogs out there and loads to read. No one is going to be annoyed that I don’t post as regularly as I might desire…in my daydreams, that would be 2-3 times week to which I’ve never come close. The main person putting pressure on myself to keep up with an imposed schedule is me.

I know that my role here on Substack is as the whip cream and cherry that’s atop the sundae of the many great writers on this platform. It’s not something I’m upset about in any way and this isn’t fishing for compliments.

Realistically, I’m far for one of the most popular writers on the internet and will likely never be. Hell, I’m not even one of the more popular writers out there living with cancer (a fairly small demographic). And it’s also totally ok with me.

But do know this… I know that I’m putting effort into each and every post. And so many other things. Just because I haven’t been posting here doesn’t mean I’m doing nothing. I’ve been working on mixes, lyrics, and fundraising logistics for the rock opera, been to a medical research conference in St. Louis, visited friends in LA, recorded and edited four episodes of a music podcast that I never mention here, walked my three dogs many times, taken over the bulk of cooking dinner for my family, started exercising more, worked with several different national organizations as a patient advocate, started planning a comedy special (yes, you read that right), and trying to spend more time with my kids. It’s not anywhere as many work-hours as it may seem, but I’m not exactly resting on my laurels.

I will not focus on the naysayer in my mind focusing on the one thing I haven’t been doing.

But about that.

I’ve really wanted to make it clear for awhile that I’m not really writing about cancer most of the time. If you’ve missed that then fine. But if you’ve been reading and pondering then you may have picked up on a few things that apply to anyone living life in general with or without any troubling health issues.

Or not. Again, that’s ok.

Whatever you’ve taken away from my previous posts… and some of it is definitely specific to cancer stuff… what I am consistently really writing about are things I’ve found really helpful to living my life more fully… but only as a result of living with cancer. My hope is that some of this stuff might be helpful to others regardless of their cancer status.

It’s ok if you don’t have cancer and read my writing, but to paraphrase Matthew McConaughey…

If you enjoy what I’m writing and get something from it then AWESOME. Thank you for reading and I’m glad it means something to you on some level. Please keep doing that.

But I mostly write help myself formulate my thoughts in processing the psychological impacts of my own diagnosis as well as hope the random person now or in the future that might find something I wrote that resonates. And, if I’m being really honest, I’m mostly thinking of that random struggling person in the future doing a late night internet search who might stumble across something I’ve written. A cookie crumb to figuring some heavy life stuff out.

So this really is not about me. If I cared about traffic and things like that, then I’d be way more regular with posts and consistently promoting what I write elsewhere. Objectively, I’m fairly terrible at that. Especially so, when one considers how much I know about SEO and algorithm-baiting. Again, I’m mostly leaving this for some random time in the future. When I think of these writings in those terms, time is measured a little differently.

But that’s all ok. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about maintaining this account. Quite the opposite. It’s actually incredibly important to me to keep it going or I wouldn’t be sharing what I’m about to write.

One of the lessons that I’ve learned from speaking with cancer patients literally around the world was from a woman named Amanda Crowell Itliong who passed from ovarian cancer just about a year ago. One of the things she told me when I spoke to her last… while she was in hospice shortly before she died… was the idea that she never thought more than a few weeks ahead of the present and accepted the fact that some things she started would never be finished. This does not mean that she didn’t try to do anything substantial. In fact, she was involved in raising hundreds of thousands of dollars in cancer research money and was very involved in contributing to cancer research as a patient advocate and grant co-writer.

She also lived easily a decade longer than anyone thought she might. Not too bad for someone who didn’t believe in big plans. She believed in always moving forward. Even if it was slow-paced. Or like my friend Molly always says… ever onward.

Amanda even contributed to the rock opera I’m close to finishing. Aside from character work on a full song, she also voiced this fake commercial that’s part of the overall story.

She did all this amazing stuff in two to three week increments at a time. She never had a lot of things on her plate, but there was always something. Finishing each wasn’t the point. It was the effort that mattered. The trying. The putting of forward energy into the universe. It didn’t have to be massive effort… just always moving forward. If she didn’t finish something… and it was worthwhile… she believed someone else would find that energy of intent and finish it for her. And if that didn’t happen, that was ok too. As I wrote down from her words, “Nothing in life is truly done or complete. I ask myself only if I tried to make things better? Did I keep living?”

Sure, my own ego wishes that I would post more consistently as of late. But I probably care more than most. The constant self-comparison to the hyper-productive type A person I used to be is probably the hardest part of living with a serious health issue for me. But I get better at processing this over time and it’s gotten easier to let go of my ego. It’s still very much there, but definitely less present than it used to be.

I tell myself that I don’t do these things for me. I do it for them.

Who is them? They are the random people in the future. They are my children trying to learn something about me when I’m gone.

I’m not exactly like Amanda, but she is absolutely one of my heroes and someone I strive to be like. I wish the same for you, if you are not already. We all only have so much time on this planet.

And oh yeah, here’s something else she did with me. She always wanted to take voice lessons so she did that. Again, while she was in hospice. Not even looming death stopped her from always trying… something.