QOL Fast blast!: Yes, Your Mind IS Playing Tricks on You and It's Called Science, but Cancer Makes It Worse. And that's OK.

Apophenia and Pareidolia can be your friends, but also your enemy. But it isn't all bad. It's complicated.

This post was motivated by a post by

Andrew Smith

last January called “Apophenia”. A response post? Sure. It kind of is, I guess, but it also has a relation to the sorts of things I normally write about. So let’s get into it.

RIP Bushwhack Bill of The Get Boys who passed in 2019 from Pancreatic Cancer.

I felt a need to write about this topic as it’s one as I’ve been somewhat interested in since I took a course on Ralph Waldo Emerson in college. Emerson was very familiar with a phenomenon Native American scouts had used for thousands of years in both hunting and traversing North America. Without getting into the technical details of how apophenia and pareidolia are tricksters that blur the line between reality and illusion, they noticed that the mind would fill-in visual gaps for casual glances at terrain ahead. Basically you'd see what you would expect to see. But when you slowed down and looked for longer, the vision would shift to what was actually there.

Our brain developed the ability to fill in the gaps on incomplete information to help us get through life more quickly and recognize friend from foe. The problem is that sometimes the brain get it wrong. Or just gets weird with it. That could mean missing a camouflaged enemy hanging out in some bushes or seeing something that wasn’t there (ie a desert oasis or a ghost spirit)

What color is the dress?

As Andrew pointed out, Rorsach Tests and the like demonstrate other ways the mind interprets what it takes in visually and even audibly that reveals much more about our psyches.

Now, the reason I bring this all up is that I’ve noticed the variants of apophenia and pareidolia at play in my daily life with cancer. I’ve spoken to enough of my fellow cancerfølken to know that I’m not alone. In short, I’m constantly misreading words, mishearing statements, and misidentifying people around me. Well, at least initially. Usually within a few (or a dozen) seconds, I realize the mistake. To the outside world, it may seem as if I am a step behind the conversation or just a doddering old dude. Well, I am getting older, but I’m not as old as my doddering may lead some to believe.

I use the duration of the correction as an informal gauge of how far from death I may be.

Read that again.

The longer it takes for me to realize what’s going on, the more I should be concerned. I’m fairly comfortable with where I am at now —basically a step behind and I’m able to quickly catch up with the moment— but should I slip into longer gaps or even stop realizing my brain’s mistakes, then I know something is up. Nearly every person I’ve encountered who later passed, became increasingly delusional and saw/heard “visions” regularly as they were growing closer to death. Sure, that’s a anecdotal observation versus a scientific one, but the evidence feels strong enough for me.

What does the sign say? As a Dr. Pepper fan, I recognized the can and read this as “Dr. Pepper is King” but then realized what it really said after about 3.2 seconds. My day is continually full of moments like this.

But it’s not all morbid. I believe there are two gifts in all of this as well.

1. To be better in my daily life: Initially, this sort of thing was highly disturbing and scary. But as I learn to understand what is happening, I’ve become more patient with others and myself. I don’t get (as) angry when my wife corrects me on something I think I know all about or beat myself up over small mistakes. I probably did misunderstand something I read, saw, or heard… and that’s ok. It’s who I am now of better or worse. It doesn’t matter if I accept it or not. It just is. So I must deal with it. I try not to be interested in what went wrong, I try to be more concerned with what’s gone wrong and fixing it. Note that I used the word “try”. I’m not always successful, but everyone appreciates a little effort.

2. Take In the Moment: No, this isn’t some new agey mindfulness bullshit. Sometimes you just have to slow the fuck down. Take in the details. Try to see or hear what’s actually going on. Be like the Native American scout that would sit in the woods silently for long periods of time to really see who or what was hanging out there. Yes, that will mean going through life a bit more slowly, but that’s ok. You’ll be better going at YOUR pace and not someone else’s. Life is not a race, in my opinion. Slothiness sometimes can help you enjoy it more… and help you help others more. Well, I guess this is new agey woo woo whatever, just stated in more terse language that I’m more comfortable with.

For instance, as I was writing this, I got a lengthy text message from a friend. At first glance, it appeared jovial and casual. But then I took a moment, unintimidated by its length and possibility for me to misread many lines as something related to whatever else I was doing at the time. When I re-read the text message, I could see that it was something quite different…. a heavy, serious update on some health issues. My brain had me seeing it initially in terms of my mindset at the moment. Taking a breath and my time to read, had me understanding what it actually said in my friend’s mindset. While heavy, it forced me out of my experience into someone else’s so I could be there to support on some level. While I’m not sure I was a ton of help, I know I helped on some level. I tried the best I could.

That’s not nothing.

That’s all I’ve got for now, I’m hoping it helps some others take stock over whatever bucket of shit is going on in their lives.

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