You Will Fail and Other Inspiring Mantras

Here's some tough love motivation to help you find some light while embracing the darkness

I actually started working on this idea a couple of years ago after getting frustrated with my own lack of progress in trying to shed some steroid weight and get back to some semblance of my previous physical self before “the illness” came into my life. I then had an interesting conversation with my onco-psychologist that changed my perspective on things and made it easier for me to not beat myself up over my failures. It was then that I started making real progress in all sorts of areas in my life. Not just in losing weight, but in being generally more productive in life.

I’m not promising this line of thought will be helpful for everyone, but it will absolutely be helpful for many. Plus some of this shit just needs to be said.

I write all of this as someone who spent decades living a healthy, active lifestyle and trained and taught many competitive athletes, so I’m not speaking entirely out of my ass. While I was never a spectacular athlete myself, I did perform at a much higher level than I should have been able to and coached many to very high accolades.

Before I get started, please keep in mind that this is just as much for me as anyone else. When life hands you a giant bag of shit, it’s that much tougher to do anything to feel better about yourself. And frankly, most people dealing with health & fitness (among other things) are not necessarily doing it wrong, but they are definitely not being fully productive. This is especially true of 95% of folks over 35. And again, that includes me.

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“You Will Lose”… and That’s OK.*

It’s generally accepted that there are no guarantees in life. So can we stop acting like if you do all the things and “grind it out”, just do it”, and “pain before gain” you’ll achieve whatever you want? Most people fail to chase whatever goals they go after by doing all the seemingly right things. And it’s not for lack of trying. The blunt, unemotional truth is that the odds are stacked against every one of us. And for many, it’s overwhelmingly so.

That doesn’t mean it’s pointless to go after anything. In fact, that’s EXACTLY what you should know before starting any endeavor in life. Sometimes (especially if you’re young and dumb), a raw brute gungho effort works, but generally life’s champions do far more than just “go for the gold”. There’s research into mental and physical variables, planning for the worst, and a grave acceptance of the reality that loss is a very real possibility.

Let me put it this way: It’s recognized that things like drinking, smoking, and stress increase the odds of developing many terrible health problems such as… oh I dunno… say cancer? That’s a good reason to avoid them but the honest truth is that these things are only a part of the “will I die young?” equation. Statistically, plain old bad luck is the biggest risk for most illnesses. That is kind of an oversimplification, but it’s essentially true.

Congratulations to anyone reading this that thinks none of this post applies to them. They’re wrong. They will fail in ways they never foresaw. They will likely die more unpleasantly and sooner than they expect. That’s not to bring anyone down. That’s to prepare them.

There’s a misconception that children are encouraged to participate in sports to learn how to become winners both in competition and in life. This is unequivocally false. The root of organized sports for the young was to teach them how to lose. It was to teach kids that life is not easy, but we should still learn to work together and develop discipline so that we can not only find ways to beat the odds, but also regroup when we probably don’t. I mean, how many teams are in any given league, and how many actually win the championship?

Again, this is not a mindset that works for everyone, but I find that knowing the odds makes me better prepared for just about everything life throws at me. I want to know everything I can adapt to become the statistical outlier I know that I can be.

Sorry Han, I think you’re doing it wrong.

You Are In This Alone and No One Cares (aka Everyone is Horrible)… and That’s OK.*

When it comes to any decision in life— whether losing weight, childbirth, a career change, or facing a terrible health situation— everyone will have a strong opinion about it. And they will be wrong. And ultimately — no matter how much they say to the contrary— they don’t really care. I mean, they do, but only as long as you follow their advice. This part is important: That doesn’t mean they’re wrong, but at a certain point, it’s more about them being heard and having some sort of control over them. Are you rolling your eyes at me and thinking I’m oversimplifying? Well, maybe, but my guess is that when whatever advice is given is not applied to the detail, these sage, caring individuals will move on from the person actually going through the proverbial shit. For most (but realistically not all), “care” is on their terms, not in a truly altruistic way.

And it’s okay… as long as you recognize that everything is ultimately on you. Sure, you can pay people to help you but how many of these people will stick around without the cash? That’s OK. Everyone has their own crap to deal with and when it comes down to it, there’s only so much bandwidth to deal with things beyond immediate needs without the “proper motivation”. Give them some grace and empathy. Don’t hold it against them. Take some responsibility for your own path. Everyone else is just there to help you stay focused and on task.

Reach out to others for advice, but don’t rely on that alone. Do some introspection. Establish some goals. Then do some external and internal research. Recognize flaws in your game plan. Recognize your own flaws. Take some personal inventory. And then adapt around whatever you realize. That could be that be rethinking a diet choice. That could be realizing that you’ll start like a house on fire and then lose enthusiasm. That’s OK. Adjust in realistic ways to still accomplish whatever goal is in mind.

Things won’t be OK… and That’s OK.*

This brings me back to that original conversation I had with my onco-psychologist. The trigger was me talking about frustrations with my physical deficits getting in the way of certain fitness goals that I had. My psych mentioned that this was common among brain tumor patients.

She then said something that I know most typical patients in therapy would hear and would think is pretty fucked up. But for someone with brain cancer, everything is different.

She shared a revelation a previous patient had shared and others had agreed with. “Your motivation may have begun as a pursuit of wanting to look a certain way to the world, but that may not carry you into the real long-term goal: postponing death.”

She had couched it with gentler, less blunt talk and also had a sense of how I might take such a statement, but there it was. A truth. An acknowledgment of what was really underlying everything. It completely altered my mindset about the issue at hand. I’m not necessarily working any harder physically (though I am more consistent), but I am more diverse in my approach and have way fewer self-criticisms and negative feelings around the activity.

If all anger is sadness and grieving then I was looking to assuage my frustration with shallow vanity instead of processing a much bigger source of motivation. Sure, I’d love to have a physical appearance more in line with my imagination, but I’d rather stay alive. I was focusing on the symptoms of my situation and not the root causes. I was focusing on something fleeting and not finding happiness.

I know enough about physical fitness to know that “being fit” and fitting social ideals frequently don’t line up. Chasing vanity is not a sustainable action plan. I will either focus too much on being a little less flabby despite clinical data showing cancer patients tend to do better “with a little extra weight” or completely let myself go when I fail to reach unrealistic goals.

This is not to say that anyone reading this has the same issues as I do. I share this partially to show what a little introspection can do in formulating a plan of action and mindset. The other part is to help my cancerfølken find a source of motivation in something many of us are led to fear by society: DEATH. I’d rather see them motivated to do SOMETHING to improve their odds of long-term survival than doing NOTHING.

NOTE: There is plenty of evidence to show that two of the most common characteristics of long-term cancer survivors are daily physical activity of at least 30 minutes and cognitive stimulation. It doesn’t need to be grueling, it just needs to be done.

In case you haven’t figured out the subtext of what I’m getting at is that my struggle shouldn’t be about how I look, it should be about preparing for the real battle ahead: my deterioration as I get closer to death. It’s coming whether I like it or not and sooner than it should but things won’t be OK. I will ultimately fail. But will I do whatever I realistically can to screw up the plans of those plotting against me? You better fucking believe it.

You Will Do Things Wrong… and That’s OK.*

Will I screw up along the way? Sure. I already have. I’ve gained more weight than I like and have not been as diligent with things like my balance and eye exercises. That’s OK cuz these failures were only temporary. Every time I think about what’s at stake, I find my way to getting back into a routine.

For those in a different situation, you may make some bad choices that put a wrench in your plans, or sometimes things just go sideways cuz that’s life. That’s okay as long as you look at things honestly, assess, and adapt.

Permit yourself to be fluid, to roll with the shit storm, to embrace the chaos, to be happy, to be angry, to be sad. Just keep asking the uncomfortable questions to keep yourself on track.

SONO’S DEATH POEM

Don’t just stand there with your hair turning gray, soon enough the seas will sink your little island. So while there is still the illusion of time, set out for another shore.

No sense packing a bag.
You won’t be able to lift it into your boat.
Give away all your collections.
Take only new seeds and an old stick.
Send out some prayers on the wind before you sail. Don’t be afraid.
Someone knows you’re coming.
An extra fish has been salted.

—MONA (SONO) SANTACROCE (1928–1995)

Win or lose, Life Goes On… Until It Doesn’t… and That’s OK.*

We will all lose no matter how we look at it. No one will remember 99.9% of us 100 years after we die. That’s not negativity. That’s a source of amazing inspiration to get the most out of life. Frank Ostaseski wrote in “The Five Invitations” that “Death is not waiting for us at the end of the road. Death is always with us, in the marrow of every passing moment. She is the secret teacher hiding in plain sight. She helps us discover what matters most. And the good news is we don’t have to wait until the end of our lives to realize the wisdom death has to offer us.”

So there you have it, if the worst thing imaginable to most folks can be turned into a positive then how can that process be applied to whatever you think is important in your own life?

Life is inherently suffering yet it can also be a tremendously beautiful thing. None of us get out of here alive — and some get out much sooner than others. So how are you gonna let things go down before you leave this place? My recommendation is to lean into the shit with two middle fingers blazing. chase the audacious. Chase the reasonable. Just don’t lose sight of how to be the biggest and most efficient thorn in the sides of those trying to bring you down.

No, I’m not getting any kind of affiliate commission for this.

In closing, I’d like to leave you with the core tenets of the book I cited above. It’s a quick and easy read (or listen) and you don’t have to be as cool as us cancerinos to check it out.

1. Don’t wait.

2. Welcome everything, push away nothing.

3. Bring your whole self to the experience.

4. Find a place of rest in the middle of things.

5. Cultivate a “don’t know” mind.