Cancer is Super Amazing!!!

No, really. Also this may be a passive-aggressive and sarcastic statement.

So apparently, my last post rubbed some folks the wrong way. And by “some”, I mean two or three. I actually had a much higher percentage than normal of positive responses… IE helping people feel seen and think about facing life… and death… in a more realistic, honest way. But I can’t make everyone happy, no matter how much I try.

A couple people saw it as a negative and wallowy sort of thing. OK. I hear those folks, but I actually thought it was fairly light-hearted in tone. And just an honest assessment of my situation. Just because I mention issues related to death, doesn’t mean that I think I’m about to die or I am super depressed or anything. I simply have my “moments” of heaviness. I thought that all I was doing was acknowledging that, but I dunno, maybe not. I guess that shows the difference between how various people react to mortality.

There’s more that I could write, but I honestly don’t think there’s much point. Instead, I’d like to take a moment to explain that this is basically a blog. A public journal of MY SPECIFIC thoughts and experiences. My narcissistic hope is that by sharing this, it will trigger thoughts among(st?) other folks with and without cancer.

The truth is that I do have cancer, so that is the perspective I share. And it is statistically likely that I will die sooner than most think I will. I’m ok with that, but it doesn’t mean that I think I’m dying soon or want to. But come on… I’m gonna die far sooner than I’d like.

Sure, I’d love to not think about it most of the time and I do my best to keep it to myself most of the time, but I’ve learned that my discussing it out loud about 25% of the time is interpreted to about 90% of the time. It’s just moe of a trigger to others than it is me. And its not like acknowledging that I have cancer is going to make it worse in of itself. And honestly, it’s really not possible for me to completely block it out in my particular situation. I’m honestly jealous of folks who can put their experiences in a box on a shelf, but that just isn’t healthy for someone like me. I just can’t not think about cancer when it’s impacted so many areas of my particular life and others I’ve come to care a great deal about. I basically have strong reminders of how I’m different every 10-20 seconds. This ranges from my energy levels to walking across a room.

Like mentioning “death”, using the word “cancer” can trigger different thoughts and emotions in different people, the way I discuss it clearly alters from the way some react to it. I guess I’m more desensitized to it than most.

That’s ok. I get it. I hope it helps to explain that this Substack (in general) isn’t even about cancer to me. I think of it as using my particular life perspective to somehow live a more full and useful life. Like I wrote, it’s pretty narcissistic and egotistical of me but hey… you’re the one encouraging my behavior by reading this thing.

So, in an olive branch to those that would rather I not discuss heavy issues related to cancer… ON A BLOG CALLED “THAT CANCER LIFE” no less… here are some things that I think are GREAT about dealing with cancer.

I don’t have to hold down a steady job. Hooray! I qualify for disability. It doesn’t actually pay much and it comes with all sorts of rules for keeping it. And fortunately, I paid quite a bit into the system before my diagnosis (unlike those diagnosed as teens or young adults) and I am married to someone who makes a pretty decent living so that means I am obviously rolling in dough and have no problems whatsoever. I’m freed of the responsibilities most of you clowns have to deal with. It’s great being largely reliant others!

Most people leave me the fuck alone. Like have you tried walking with a cane? It’s awesome. People are kinda freaked out and mostly give you space. Mostly, except for the people who possibly see someone who isn’t geriatric using an assistive device and have their skepticism. Or maybe they just don’t care about others and now I have a super power that allows me to spot the assholes in society more easily. I can’t believe that I used to have shame over using a cane, but that changed when I realized that it’s essentially a giant middle finger to the world. Add in all the folks who disappeared from my life after I was done with my initial treatments (and no, it isn’t simply people moving on with their lives but “cancer ghosting” is a whole other topic in of itself) there’s really only a few people in my life and almost none force me to make small talk. Just real actual friendships. Almost no fakery. Almost.

I don’t worry as much about making a fool of myself in public. Look, I know I walk funny and that I don’t always follow the natural flow of conversation nor do I always feel the need to leave the room at more opportune moments to take a nap, but fuck it. Imma gonna do me. I try not to make others feel uncomfortable about my health situation but, trust me, if it didn’t happen sometimes then things would be way worse.

The upside is that this has also given me permission to try things I really have no business doing. I already get accused of being drunk while walking zig zag or bumping into walls, so I might as well write that rock opera or take on home projects that take me five times longer to do than they should. Basically I’m living the life of a geriatric, but at a much younger age.

If only I could get in on that early bird dinner action, then I’d truly have it all.

BUT WAIT!!!

As I’ve mentioned previously, I don’t write these things in a single sitting. So as I sat down for my third session and re-read what I’d written, I felt the tone was off. Too much recessed anger. That’s not the image I really want to project. And if I were to focus more on the good things about cancer in a more sincere tone, I could probably add a few more. I just honestly don’t have the energy to do that right now. And there’s really not that many anyway. The things that are good are pretty great but I don’t think they could be handled well in a listicle type thing.

So I’d rather use the rest of my energy today spending quality time with family and maybe… just maybe… not thinking about cancer for a bit… and refraining from saying anything about it out loud if I do. Because that happens quite a bit. Like a lot. I don’t say anything as to avoid making others feel uncomfortable.

When I do return for my next series of writing sessions to create a single post, I will write about whatever I’d like. This is MY space after all. Please respect that as much as I try to respect other’s spaces when they’re talking about shit I‘m not crazy about.