You Don't Have To Be Thankful
When you have cancer, you just don't have time for the bullshit. And just because you don't doesn't mean you should put up with it either.
Despite its questionable history, I have always loved Thanksgiving. Perhaps it’s the proximity to my birthday or the fact that it’s an excuse to eat a bunch of food and lounge, but I think it’s more than that. It’s a holiday that represents more than historical context. While most of my GOBBLE GOBBLE days have been spent with family, it’s more than that to me as well.
I’ve always used the day to reflect on my life, take stock of my proverbial inventory, and see if I’m living right. Unfortunately, it took getting diagnosed with cancer to fully embrace that last part.
Many people focus on gratitude and being thankful. There’s nothing wrong with that. And I acknowledge that I am different than most folks and have trouble approaching anything the conventional way, but I prefer to also focus on what I’m not thankful for. And let me tell you… there’s a lot.
This may seem like a negative approach to a generally warm and loving holiday, but it’s not.
Ask yourself how many Thanksgivings you spent hiding out in the family garage or basement while loved ones gossiped and moaned about stuff you don’t really care about. You could even be doing that now, avoiding most everyone until the game or some other forced group activity starts. How many Turkey Days have you spent biting your lip when certain topics come up or you’re asked your opinion on the green bean casserole?
This doesn’t mean you don’t care for the folks you’re surrounding yourself with on this day. By showing up and spending some time with them, you are showing that you accept and care for them… no matter how uncomfortable it can be.
To me, who I spend Thanksgiving with isn’t what Thanksgiving is about— though the people are almost always a part of it. I’ve spent many Thanksgivings with folks that I’d rather not. BUT I DID. I made the time to acknowledge that, as much as I hate to admit it sometimes, these weirdoes do matter to me. In short, I’m forcing myself to do some thinking and self-evaluation.
Note that this allows for someone to pretend like they enjoy every element of the holiday. I should probably put something in right here about #toxicpositivity but will save that for another post soon because it’s a dense topic in and of itself.
I think coming up with a list of things I am thankful for is a helpful and necessary part of my ritual, but I also think doing the reverse is just as essential if I am, to be honest in looking ahead at my life. So with all that stated, here’s a condensed list of things that I am not thankful for:
I am not thankful for having cancer, but I am thankful for the perspective it has given me on life and taught me about how my time left is used matters.
I am not thankful for my physical and cognitive disabilities, but I am thankful for how it’s challenged me to successfully adapt around them
I am not thankful for the friends who abandoned me after my cancer diagnosis, but I am thankful for those who stuck around and the new friends I have made since who just accepted me as I am.
I am not thankful that this may be the last Thanksgiving for some, but I am thankful that it is an opportunity to say the things that need to be said and clear the air.
I am not thankful for ignorance and divisiveness, but I am thankful for how people can AND DO learn to accept what they do not know and try to be better informed before arguing vehemently.
I am not thankful for war, hatred, and fascism in the world, but I am thankful so many feel the same and want to do something about it.
Again, I feel the need to state that I really do love Thanksgiving. Not because of family/friend get togethers or eating tons of food. Not because it’s a warm holiday where one feels the need to buy gifts for people. It’s all of those and more regardless of how the pilgrims treated the Wampanoag afterwards (or similar situations in several other states claiming the first REAL Thanksgiving). Hell, the history of Thanksgiving just as a national holiday in the US is pretty all over the place so anyone who claims the day is about anything specific that can be traced to anything doesn’t grasp its history.
It’s just a day where we accept and care for one another… regardless of how tedious it can get. And let’s face it… you kind of enjoy it.
So I invite you to treat it the same way I do and use both the good and bad in your life to help you navigate how you live your life and treat others. And no, you don’t have to be thankful for anything if that’s where your life is. But my bet is that if you’re being really honest, you’ll find a few things to be happy about. I mean, I’m literally dying in slow motion and can find some good things.
PS- If you’re having a rough time of it, then listen to this song. It’s always helped me and hopefuly it does the same for you.
This reminded me of college when you and Eric came up to my parents and my dad ended up cooking for us because my mom was on call. Is it sad to miss college???
You are very good at expressing yourself. This takes me back to some times in my life when I felt a lot like you have described on Thanksgiving. You have put it all in an accurate perspective. On one note, I can't imagine why friends would abandon a friend when he needs them the most. I know that before I had cancer, I really didn't know what to say to someone who was dying. After cancer, of course I had no problem. I've heard others tell me, " I don't know what to say ". But it can still be painful. I admire your true grit.